Little notes.....

Scribbles on the last few pages of notebooks,
Some complete, some incomplete,
These are my expressions,
Faint, etched in lead
Erasable but meaningful…

I am these scribbles,
Illegible to others, legible to myself,
Incomplete to others
Complete to myself

I stop when I’ve run out
I stop when I think I’d rather imagine
I stop when the words cease
When I think maybe all can’t be written

No hables en plural......

No se puede vivir con tanto veneno,
La esperanza que me da tu amor,
No me la dió más nadie,
Te juro, no miento.....

Infatuated....smitten...

Am I an atheist?

"One could believe that God created the universe at the instant of the Big Bang.He could have even created it at a time in just such a way as to make it look as though there had been a big bang.But it would be meaningless to suppose that it was created before the big bang, as time had a beginning at the big bang.An expanding universe does not preclude a creator, but it does place limits on when He might have carried out this job"

Stephen W Hawking.

Quicksand....

The first track on the new album of the band Incubus. The song has a surreal trance like flow to it, I've been gripped by this tune for sometime now.
The lyrics weave a haunting spell.....
Brandon Boyd does a brillant job on the vocals..

The lyrics are -
"OK… now the monster is awake.
It won’t rest until there’s nothing left.
Maybe ever & anonI forget about the pain.
Someone bending light comes along& flowers lean towards the sun.
Some people fall in love & touch the sky
Some people fall in love & find quicksand.
I hover somewhere in between… I swear…I can’t make up my mind. "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5386nnK3L4

Varanasi....

Waiting...

I saw him, seated on the floor , close to the enquiry counter at a railway station. His eyes were set deep within, there were many tell tale lines on his face, he lay down a carpet and peacefully and sat on the floor. He was not going to waste his time looking for a waiting room seat I suppose. There was an expression of distant calm on his face, but the expression his hands caught my attention first....

Alive...

You think that I am alive
So full of life to give
Oh! No you don’t know
I died inside a long time before
Before I knew I had.

All of this is unreal;You will not know why
You can only try
To understand why……
I cry

I’m choking to death
I know you can’t see
You can only place the wreath
And claim you cried a sea,

I need to breathe free
You used to provide that escape
You not know where I am
Or how I have come to be

I can’t change the sign for you
The warning was for you
You chose to ignore
The clue that was meant for you

You despise me I know
Coz you know yours I can never be,
I can’t belong
Coz I do not belong.

I see you...

I see you,
You may hide from me
Truth is, I still see you,
I see you,
You may be running away,
But I still see you.

I stand still,
You walk, you run,
But I’m still here,
Though now you are someone else,
I’m still here,
Still me, standing still.

I’ll hold you,
You will let go I know,
But I’ll still stay warm,
Though now you turn cold,
I’ll still be able to hold you.

I’d want you,
You might think yourself unworthy,
But you know what,
I still don’t see how,
Coz I’ll still want you.

The fog of dust,
Around me settles,
In the distance is a silhouette,
I’m trying harder to see,
Words don’t come by easy anymore,
Realization of a pain,
Renders my senses weak,

It is the absence of your presence,
I tell myself,
I glance down,
What do I see?
The wounds are penetrating me.....

Not An Addict...

Breathe it in and breathe it out
And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side

The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

Free me, leave me
Watch me as I'm going down
Free me, see me
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.

It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel...
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
I'm not an addict...

An old favorite song of mine, it is by a band called K's choice, that rose to glory sometime in 1995 with this single from their album ‘Paradise In Me'. Sarah Bettens the lead vocalist or the band that composed this song may not have wanted to convey what I have interpreted.....To me its not just about drug addiction, its about living becoming a habit, you allow yourself the liberty to see it as the truth and feel alive, a sort of mind numbing experience if you will.
As alive as dead……

Je rêve

Ever had that feeling of waking up in a dream and thinking it was reality…..


















In the midst of a subconscious state of mind,
I see images close to reality,
In the midst of a state of being unaware,
I feel, all I see through the mind’s eye.

Images of places I may never see,
Conversations I may never have,
Faces known and faces I may never see,
Reminisces of events…

Buon Fresco

Inlayed into the bitti,
Forever forced to be,
To be a lasting imagination
Forever forced to be,
To be the outcome of elaborate and yet refined strokes,
Of an artist’s brush

Generously full bodied,
Generously beautified,
A vision recreated,
To a solidified form,
Externally admirable,
Insightful to only a few

Not just one;
There are many,
They adorn the bitti,
They float along prastara
Trampled upon the bhumika,
Frozen in time

Living in quite reticence
Expressions frozen,
Of moments in time,
As testimony to an era,
A lasting tale,
Retold many a time

Voices from the past
Whistle through the air,
Amidst sounds of ghungroo,
A sudden outcry of voices,
Screaming out from the cold plaster,
Louder cries of agony

Vapors of their souls,
Come alive
They encircle the onlooker,
They expressions change,
To tormented anger
Vindictively questioning eyes

Silence, No answers
Explanations no answers,
An engulfing feeling of guilt,
Tears don’t offer cover,
Pieces of missing colour
Signs of stained souls,
Still fighting
Against the ravages of time….

These tears...

These tears I cry
For all the times I try
Cover myself in reticence
These tears I cry
They are mine
And mine alone they will be.

This ache I feel,
This pain deep inside me,
For all the times I have tried to contain,
Is mine and mine alone it will be.

So you think you can still be
An inseparable part of me
You think you can hold me
And share this weight with me
You think you can be there
‘Be there’ or ‘Be here’ for me
Where is here?
Where is there?
It is not where I am for sure
Are you sure you are still going to be
An inseparable part of me…?

21 bucks.

“The money is yours” He said
Your damn right its mine I thought,
He held them out for me to take,
Many a reason I sought,
To explain….

“It’s not mine” I said,
I’m not here to take,
That which is not mine
I’d feel awful if I did,
No, don’t give it to me..

“No, It’s yours” He said
Without a flicker of his eyes
He almost looked like he had no clue,
But it doesn’t hide his masochistic ties,
Or his world of lies.

He puts it in my pocket,
As I get up to leave once again,
I wish I didn’t have to,
I wish it wasn’t this way
I wish I didn’t have to,

But, it’s true,
It’s almost Monday again,
I have to go back to being me
He is already elsewhere,
Two separate lives again.

Would this be more....????

Would this be more than,
Glances thrown at each other,
With many implications,
This would be more than,
A racing heart beat,
When in eye contact with each other.

Would this be more than,
The countless hours of desperate anticipation,
The concoction of images of the what ifs and maybes,
More than time spent in reticence,
When faced with little abandonments

Would this be more than
The countless hours of apparent conversation,
Juggling around with ambiguous words;
Would this be more than,
The creation of colored picturesque mirages.

Would this be more than,
Another one of those feel good connections,
More than many unfulfilling momentary highs
More than just a temporary tenant
In an already crowded room.

Would this mean more than,
Skipping a heart beat,
When accidentally touched
More than patiently plotting ;
And guiding movements for it to happen again

Would this be more than being,
Largely intrigued by a possibility
Would this be more…………
A figment of my imagination?

Cold Water...

Cold water;
Awakens my senses with its stings,
I close my eyes and inhale,
breathe in as much as I can,
The air fills my senses.

Cold water;
I am liberated, I have spoken
This constant flow redeems me

I feel the current as I walk further
It calls out to me,
I can hear the faint rapture,
I am drawn towards a force I can’t see,

I look around me,
I see no origin to this strange calling,
The distant song leads me on
My feet lead me toward this solitary tune

My feet glide through the water,
With no respect the flow,
Without falter despite the unevenness,
Without any fear,

The rays of light shine through
Shine through the branches overhead,
The water sparkles with life,
Serenity fills the air around,

Water fills my senses,
My sense of self is lost,
The ripples that surround
Embrace me,

Cold water;
I am liberated, I have spoken,
The weightlessness lifts my soul….

If you

If you stay, so will I;
If you walk, I’ll try
It asks too much of me, but I’ll try,
If you want to go away,
You can, I won’t ask you to stay.

If you try harder,
I’ll make efforts to equal yours,
If you call upon me, I’ll return your call.
If you say you’ll be around,
I’ll gladly acknowledge your presence.

If you come to me,
I’ll turn around to watch you,
Gather yourself together
I will watch you pick up the pieces,

If you want to you can,
You can bring your tears to me,
No, I’ll never ask to be heard
Even if my heart weighs heavy,
I’ll try and remain steady.

These feelings are for you,
You may never ask for them,
But gladly you receive ,
All I give
Ever so humble,
Ever so polite,

Yes, this all I can give,
Yes, there is no more,
No more of myself
That I can share.

You can never be much more,
Than all that you are
Never inseparable,
Never close,
Always unaware.

I will remain guarded,
I will be contained in your presence,
I will remain defensive,
I will remain absorbent,
No, nothing more
Never, anything more.

I saw her on the street one day....

Should it be blue bangles or green?
No, I won’t distinguish,
Not today,
I will wear all;
All of my jewellery,
I will accoutre myself in my best,
In the best that this life has bestowed.

I will walk the streets today
In a different stride,
Not in my usual submissive mode,
But in a consciously confident saunter,
For reasons not apparent to this world,
I know inquisitive eyes will follow me today unlike yesterday,

I shall choose the same path,
I want familiar faces to see me,
With time to spare;
I will stop and let this world stare,
I’m sure they would today, unlike yesterday;

I leave behind no more than another carefree soul;
I have not much to call my own,
I carry my possessions with me,
To help me where I intend to be,
I have been largely unnoticed until today,
But I will be noticed today, unlike yesterday,

My walk through life has faced uneven roads,
Roads that discouragingly wind uphill;
But today has taken a different turn, unlike yesterday

I feel taller; I ‘m filled with anticipation,
I getting closer to my beginning,
I am euphoric, I feel divine,
As wait for the abyss to engulf me,
I close my eyes to this brightness,
I feel no pain today, unlike yesterday.